Believe It

The wind in my hair with the problems of my world fading in the rear view mirror.  Stepping ever fully on the gas pedal, the freedom of this act was tantalizing.  Perhaps, just maybe, I could keep driving forever, through Canada and up into the north to pet a reindeer and gaze at the desolate tundra.  As Bellingham passed I began to ponder a life as a vagabond, a life free of work and responsibility.  From my scope I deserved it, I was an over worked, ladder climbing, lonely individual who just topped it all off with the recent news of cancer.  But as the miles clicked away a song came on the radio that changed my tune.  A song that I had forgotten about until this morning when Erin was dancing while listening to some retro Salt-N-Pepa.  No, it was not a Salt-N-Pepa song, just put that in to embarrass Erin, it was the next song on her playlist.  It was a Sister Hazel song that reminded me of the song that played on the radio that day titled, Change Your Mind.  I remember this song bringing my head to the steering wheel as I sat parked on a freeway off ramp.  The flood of emotions flowing back across my broken body and spirit like a tsunami, violently shaking my core with a reminder that I cannot hide from who I am, where I am or what must come to pass.  Never, have I felt more alone or against tougher odds than I did as that chorus echoed around me...

If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind...

My head still pressing against that warm leather steering wheel, I flipped on my left turn arrow to go underneath the overpass, signalling a literal and figurative need to change course in my life.  A choice, a new beginning, a fresh step forward into sunlight after a long season of rain and despair.  I lifted my head and looked into the rear view mirror and saw two watery eyes that appeared so afraid, so weak, so incapable, so alone.  It was certainly not the me that I wanted to see, the me that I wanted to be was surely somebody else. Someone more brave, confident and healthy, this is who I longed to be and no amount of reindeer sightings would change that yearning for the impossible.  So I headed home wobbly, broken, uncertain, but convinced never the less that I have to try to change my mind.  To find a way to be at peace with who I am.

Ever guarded I pressed forward, protecting my fragile state with each day looking remarkably similar.  But it was everything I could do to mask the tumult inside of me with the appearance of normalcy.  Every day was a repeat button.

12:00am: Go to work

8:45am: Go to Radiation therapy

10:00am: Back to work

12:00pm: Go home lunch and nap

Each Saturday, I would park along the side of the road and sit upon the rocky bank of the Skagit River and watch the river flow over the rocks and logs.  My inner baggage was weighing me down and each Saturday I spent time cleaning house and jettisoning the unnecessary into that big river.  It has been years now and it still hurts to think about the emotions I came to know during that season of my life.  But with each day that passed I felt myself become a little less shell shocked, a little more confident.  It was during that season of faith's perfection that I learned the most valuable lessons of my life.  A lifetime is best enjoyed or endured one day at a time.  The knowledge that any great and marvelous journey or comeback starts first with one wobbly, teary eyed step in the right direction.  And, the wisdom to know that we are all a creature of faith; far from perfect, each of us proceeds forward with a prayer in our heart regardless of whether we acknowledge it as such or say it out load.

The blessings are found in the tune created from the compilation of individual days, reading out on the sheet like notes creating the song of our life.  The song is uniquely ours, it is our constant reminder of the human experience, the way by which we come to know the pains of despair and the intense joys of love.  Some say that those moments fade under the dimming light of the sunset of days long gone.  But my advise to them is find a quiet rock, turn up the volume of their song and soak in the memories,  Remember loves first embrace and the journey that made it all possible.  Remember the moments when what was once thought impossible became something that happened.  Life has a way of smoothing out the rough notes and what is left stands as something uniquely ours.  It is our rhythm, our poetry and it will echo our choices through the generations.

But to make anything possible we must first be willing to believe in good things to come.  We must believe in our grand potential.  Believe in the first steps that precede seconds.  Believe in magic of the unexplainable.  Believe that our lives have meaning and value of great worth.  Having faith enough to believe in wobbly legs moving ever forward on the correct course. 

And if you start to think that all of this is some random accident or something that is just happening to you, I advise you to act upon a song and...Change Your Mind...  Be free to believe in who you are and what you are capable of becoming.

Hey, Hey
Did you ever think
There might be another way
To just feel better,
Just feel better about today

Oh no-
If you never want to have
To turn and go away
You might feel better,
Might feel better if you stay

Yeah yeah
I bet you haven't heard
A word I've said
Yeah yeah
If you've had enough
Of all your tryin'
Just give up
The state of mind you're in:

If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind...

Hey hey-
Have you ever danced in the rain
Or thanked the sun
Just for shining- just for shining
Over the sea?
Oh no- take it all in
The world's a show
And yeah, you look much better,
  Look much better when you glow